What to Expect from Us (and anyone who is adopting)

We are so grateful for the prayers, the questions, the interest, the encouragement, and the emotional support (ok, this one is for me only) from our friends and family about our adoption.  For the past 3 years, I've been constantly talking about our future kids and adoption process.  Thank you for bearing with us and continuing to be interested, encouraging, & prayerful!  

I know this is a bit long, but I'd really appreciate if you read the following to help understand why we do and don't share information about our child(ren) once we know who they are & once they are home.

Special Needs

As you know by now, we have applied for kids with special needs.  Some children have physical needs that are quite obvious (i.e. limb deformities, cleft palate, visual impairments).  If our child has a need like this, we won't hide it.  But we also won't introduce our child to you by saying "this is our daughter, ____, who has a ____ impairment/syndrome."  Our child will be introduced first and foremost as the new, exciting, most adorable member of our family.  We ask that you be patient over learning that information and in the meantime, just celebrate our parenthood and new member(s) of the family.   Over time, you'll come to know about any physical differences, and we will be happy to answer your questions about how our child may need to do things differently.  

Other children have needs that are not as noticeable to the naked eye (i.e. heart conditions, GI issues, HIV+).  If this is the case, we will share our child's less-noticeable needs with you if we want you to know or if you are our medical professional.  But we won't share about these needs if we don't think you need to know.  Not all of you will like that, but I ask that you please respect our child's privacy--and this includes not going to our parents and asking them questions.  We may be "too secretive" for some of our American friends and family, but please keep in mind we are dealing with TWO cultures, and America and India perceive special needs very, very differently from each other.  "Politically correct terminology" is 100% not a thing in India, and we want our children to be raised with a positive self-image so there's a good chance the information may be given to almost no one.  Please don't feel bad if you're not included in the select few. 

Our Child's History

Children in India are available for adoption for various reasons.  Some are abandoned in trash cans, some are strategically placed in parks where people are likely to find them, some are surrendered at a hospital or orphanage or police station by loving parents who feel forced to make a difficult decision.  Some biological mothers have been raped; some are single mothers with the pressures of their relatives to be child-free and therefore "suitable for marriage;" some have been given an ultimatum to be disowned from their husbands & other children or abandon their newborn; some have done their best to care for the child's special needs for multiple years and have finally felt despair that they are unable to financially and/or medically meet these needs; some have passed away and have no relatives to care for the child.

I really want you to know that not every child available for adoption is unloved or unwanted by their first family.  Some are loved so fiercely by their biological families, but circumstances did not allow them to remain together (which is why it's so important to provide these families and parents support in the first place and not only support the institutions where they entrust their children.)

We plan to adopt multiple children, and not every one of them will have the same story.  Their adoption stories will remain private, as it is theirs and theirs alone.  When they are older, they can choose to share their stories if they so desire.  I ask that you please respect that.  

BUT if you have children who are asking about how we suddenly have children if they weren't "in my tummy," it's okay to let them ask their questions.  Parents go about this in many, many ways, and there are many children's books on adoption that help answer this.  Some books explain it in ways I like, and some in ways that don't gel with me at all.  If you don't want to do the research and buy one or 20 of these books, a simple answer is "______ had a mommy and daddy who were not able to take care of (her/him), so Marla and Liban are now ______'s forever mommy and daddy.  They love ______ sooooooo much and are very happy ______ is their little (girl/boy)."

Home Study Completed & Approved!

Where we are currently in the adoption process:

The Home Study

Once we clicked "submit" on the adoption registration page, we chose an agency to do our home study.  About 12 hours later, we switched that agency as they had a long to-do list of things that, according to the government, we didn't actually need to do.  Liban selected a different agency and the lady asked us to come to their children's home and meet her.  

That meeting was mainly small talk and her getting a good idea of who we are, then she asked us to fill out "Part 1" of the home study form.  Basically, that form is 20 ways of asking "Do you really want to adopt?" "Why do you want to adopt?" and "Does your family approve?"  So we filled it out. 

This past Friday, we picked her up and hit about 45 minutes of traffic on the way home.  She stood outside our front door and said that she liked the badminton court, walked in, and sat on our couch.  That is the extent that she  viewed our home.  Compare that to America, where they make sure your smoke alarms are working, and it's almost funny how not thorough it was.  For the next 2 hours, she told us what to delete from the answers we'd previously written as she was trying to make the 10 page document only 3 pages.  She also asked us in various ways at least 10 times how in the world I (an American living in India and obviously not knowing the culture) would be able to manage being both a housewife (gag!) and parenting one, much less two, special needs children.   At one point, I even tried to explain that we would be parenting differently, with TWO parents dealing with the kids (that doesn't really happen in India so much).  She literally waved her hand and dismissed that comment.  Liban knows Indian culture and what answers work best and just told her that his mom would be here to help out any time he wasn't around.  She nodded approvingly, as she could understand that answer.  

By the time we had dropped her off back at the children's home, I had a fever and was super grumpy/hangry and offended by everything she'd said--because I know I'll be a decent mom (although I will definitely feed my curry-eating children PB&J every once in awhile).  Liban on the other hand, knew better as "it's just her Indian way of thinking" and shrugged his shoulders. 

Home Study Approved!

Monday right after lunch, Liban texted me that he'd gotten an email saying our home study was approved and uploaded to the government website.  Considering the agents are given up to 30 days to submit the paperwork, this is amazing!  

What's Next?

Once I got home from school (and showered, because, lice and rat turds) we sat down together to scroll through the list of children with special needs available for adoption.  There are 400+ with physical special needs and 200+ with mental special needs.  From what I could tell, only a few overlapped on both lists.  Most information and pictures are outdated (i.e. you see a picture of a newborn, and then look at their file and it says they were born in 2010), so it's a little difficult to get a good idea of what you're even looking at.

I've heard from many other adoptive mamas that "you'll just know" which child is meant to be ours.  Well, so far there haven't been any lightning bolts. . . . and because we don't know which kids are part of sibling groups, it's more than a little confusing.  All that said, yes, there are a couple kids that stood out to me once I read their files.  No, we don't know if either of them is supposed to be ours. 

More than that standing out, I realized for the first time what people mean when they refer to "savior complex" in adoption.  I know that we will be taking a child out of an institution, and that's a good thing because loving families are the best environment for any child.  But I don't think I've ever had the perspective of "we are saving a child."  I think my two perspectives have been primarily: 

1) We want children, and there are children who need parents.  So the shoe fits.

2)  God says to take care of widows and orphans, and I don't believe He meant "only via financial sponsorships so they can remain in institutions without knowing the love of a family."

But, I think all that changed yesterday for a brief moment.   As we scrolled through child after child who NEEDS a home, a family, there were so many with intimidating diagnoses, intimidating paragraph-long LISTS of diagnoses for a single child.  There were medical files that stated "the neurologist's opinion is that this child is not fit for adoption."  There were personal history files stating that a child's parents were educated and had good jobs but were "uninterested" in pursuing the required surgeries.  [Insert tears, righteous anger, and determination to use my medical knowledge and therapy skills to give these children a chance at life and maximize the quality of their lives, AKA savior complex.]  

But the truth of it is, there are some needs that living in India isn't best suited for; there are diagnoses that I know we are not best suited for unless God specifically calls us and equips us for them.  There are teenagers, including "Honor," "Naomi," and "Jeanette" who I once fostered and still love dearly, but we know we shouldn't try to parent a teenager when we are both in our twenties.  

So, what now?  We pray, we discuss, we wait.  We could have put a child on reserve last night and be ready to travel to bring them home within a couple weeks.  But this is moving really fast, and we need lots and lots of wisdom on what to do next.  Please, please, please pray with us. 

The Day I Met a Neo-Nazi (and how it relates to this week)

5 years ago, I was waiting in Salzburg for the midnight train that was going to take me to Zurich, Switzerland.  Traveling alone didn't bother me, especially after coming out of India where it's a LOT more intimidating to be a single woman.

So, I sat there in the train station that night, aware of my surroundings, aware I wouldn't be sleeping well on the train due to wariness of thieves, but fairly relaxed overall.  Scattered throughout the lobby were closed cafes and backpackers waiting for their significantly-less-pricy overnight trains.  At one point, a young man, probably also in his early twenties, came and sat against the wall about 10 feet away.  We smiled politely at each other and then went back to reading our books.  He was an Orthodox Jew, and I wasn't sure about cultural/gender protocol, so I didn't make conversation (keep in mind I just came from India where women don't talk to any men unless out of previously established friendship or neccessity.)

About 30 minutes, maybe an hour, later another man in his twenties showed up and sat near us.  His head and arms were covered in tattoos, he was dressed in all black, and I think I remember a silver chain hanging on his black jeans.  Something didn't sit right in me, but after about 2-3 minutes, this guy started talking to the Jewish man.  It was casual conversation at first but was more animated on the newcomer's part.

I sat there pretending to read for the next hour or so.  There were occasionally lulls in the conversations, but the conversation slowly became more aggressive in one direction.  Without knowing German, I had no doubts that the second man was attempting to start something and was doing his best to antagonize the first.  I made eye contact with the Jewish man frequently, as if to ask "Are you okay still?"  He'd give a slight smile to me, and I continued observing intently the interaction between the two.

The Jewish man responded softly and patiently for the whole hour.  He could have gone and sat on the other side of the train station, but he remained where he was, peacefully standing his ground, albeit seated.  Over time, the volume of the second man's German escalated, and the only way to describe what he was doing is the word, "taunting."  By this point, I had zero doubts this man was a Neo-Nazi, and fury was building in me out of desire to stop the savagery and support/respect the man who was firmly rooted in his principles.   I stayed sitting on the floor where I was, but no longer leaning against the wall.  I was tense, I was within inches of standing up to interfere in the conversation.  The only things that kept me from doing so were 1) Not speaking a lick of German, 2) Knowing I was a single female traveler which doesn't put me in the safest of positions, and 3) The Jewish man remained peaceful and I did not want to take away his dignity or cause worse problems by interfering.

All of a sudden, the taunting became yelling, and the Neo-Nazi stood up and began shouting, taking steps back and then getting closer and closer to the other man.  The Jewish man continued to remain seated, but I could see fear in his face, and I stood up, letting the Neo-Nazi know the other man was not alone.  He backed off a little for a few seconds, then continued his rage.  Thankfully, at this point, another traveler sent her boyfriend to find security, and a third man came to sit between me and the Jew.  He gave me a look of assurance and motioned for me to sit down, that he would intervene on the behalf of both of us.  He made polite, friendly conversation with the Neo-Nazi and that allowed him to calm down somewhat.  Shortly after, security arrived and escorted him out.



I'm aware of my own vulnerability in the situation and know I couldn't have been the "hero of the day" so to speak, but I remember feeling ashamed that I hadn't been able to do more or do it earlier.  I also remember feeling thoroughly outraged and disgusted with this man who thought another human being was really that much less than him.  I remember being heartbroken from the racism and degree of ethnocentrism that had traveled so easily from one generation to the next.  I felt confusion because I'd spent my childhood reading about the Holocaust and thought that that war had ended.  I thought humankind had realized not one race was superior to all others and that while there are individuals who may have racist feelings, that they would at least know better than to publicly display them for all to see.  I questioned how grown men were unable to understand the lessons I'd learned from simply reading as an 8 year old.  I also wondered what was wrong with the other 30-odd travelers sitting throughout the lobby who understood the German language, understood the atrocities being spoken, and still chose not to do anything.

The Baby Names Hunt

Our home study is coming up Friday, which means that we are all the more closer to becoming parents.  There is a good chance this may happen very quickly (i.e. we have to leave Italy early because we've gained custody sooner than expected) or may drag out for months.  It's India, so no one really knows.   Either way, we've been looking a lot at name choices for our kid(s).

Our kids will already have given names, and there is a chance we may keep them, but there is a greater chance they will share names with Hindu gods or goddesses or Mohammed.  And, we'd rather not call our kids "Krishna" and "Mohammed" for the rest of their lives.

Name hunting is a little difficult when you're working with 2 cultures, 3 languages, and 2 very different pronunciations of English.  Some examples:

• I like "Maali" or "Maalai."   Liban says because they mean "gardener," that's not a good connotation as that's a less-than-respected profession here.  A good comparison may be calling our child "Janitor."  So that's not happening.
• Liban likes "Tarah," which is pretty and means "stars."  It's pronounced "Tuh-raah," which sounds fine, but I told him all Americans are going to pronounce it like the English name "Tara," and he cringed and immediately vetoed it.
• Liban pronounces "v" as "w" about 50% of the time, and I cannot pronounce 6-10 Hindi/Tamil letters consistently.  Therefore all names with those letters are out.

In between finding non-Mohammed's relatives' names and non-Hindu/Jain/Sikh god/goddess names, we also don't want names that every third person has--in either country.  We are trying to avoid "random screening" at TSA security checkpoints with our selection, and Indian names like "Balasubramanium" are out because I want my child to learn to spell his/her name before 3rd grade.  Add that Liban doesn't like "Bollywood filmy" sounding names or "white" names and I generally don't like traditional English or biblical names, and we have quite the adventure.  

I think we have (finally) officially settled on 2 names, so let's see now if we actually get matched with kids of that gender.  Hopefully, we will find out soon after our homestudy!

For your delight, here is a sampling of real Indian names we will not be choosing, to prevent our child from being scarred forevermore:

• Fakhraddin
• Dixit (Pronounced Dik-shit)
• Deepshit
• Harshit
• Mehboob
• Mahbooba

OT with a Box of Rocks

While in the OT program at Mizzou, we had soooo many how-to-teach-handwriting lectures.  It was awful, and I mostly just worked on my Hindi script-writing skills pretending to pay attention.  I loved  pediatrics but hated the concept of working in schools and focusing so much on handwriting.

Naturally, when I took my first job as an OT, I spent most of 4/5 weekdays between schools, mostly working on handwriting goals.  When I took my travel job last January,  I easily traded out the option to do regular adult rehab for the pediatric, albeit school-based, position.  Over time, I've learned I can tolerate handwriting and really, really like the other aspects of working with schools.

Thursday this week, Liban and I got to visit the local government children's home.  It is a very old, very large facility that also includes a vocational center, daycare, and classes for everyone from preschool to high school.  There is also a partnering institution that provides early intervention, which I plan to explore later on.  The children and young adults who participate in their programs are primarily those from lower income families who live in rural areas and have their children live at the "hostels" (dorms) and/or children who live in the slums beside the school.

A couple months ago, they began offering OT through a volunteer at the elementary school, and I now get to help out!

 They are still in the process of screening all the students, which I got to observe, and even without knowing Tamil, it's apparent that the need is huge. Lack of family support, lack of finances (that leads to obligatory minimal parent involvement), lack of nutrition & consistency of meals, lack of intrinsic motivation for education and lack of opportunity/resources/time to play/be a kid have created a huge impact.  Then add that the Indian educational system is primarily memorization while the student is seated in one spot throughout the duration of the day, and you have... so many things to work on.

The team of the pediatrician, educators, and OT are working to not only provide daily therapy but also educate the staff and change how the classroom is led.  I'm so excited to get to be a part of it and help the kids succeed.

Things you can pray about include:

-This is a very, very Hindu facility.  This excites me because there will be so many opportunities to share life and love with the students and staff.  It's also probably going to be very intense spiritually.  I will need my eyes opened towards these opportunities and also wisdom about when and how to speak when those arise.

-Team dynamics and communication. Language differences, cultural differences, and creativity differences are all present & give the opportunity for various misunderstandings, but to best serve these kiddos, we need smooth sailing initially.

-Creativity with limited supplies.  This is a slightly superficial request, but the therapy room is currently 4 walls, a desk, 2 balance boards, ankle weights, 2 jump ropes, chalk, a tennis ball, and a box of rocks.  Yes, you read that correctly: a box of rocks.  Observed activities today include various versions of jumping/hopping/crawling to pick up a rock, place it in a yogurt container, and then go back for another rock.  (They're not even painted, y'all!)  I'm a pretty creative individual and thankfully brought several therapy supplies with me, but even I am going to need inspiration to make that box of rocks go a long way!