Waitin' & Wishin' & Prayin' & Lovin'

Pics by Kim at Mela Photography

 I've wanted to write about this for awhile now, but it's difficult to even think about and not become defeated.  Tonight, I'm in a "good place" and think I can share all this without word-vomiting emotions.

When we submitted our stack of paperwork and couple photos, the website stated the estimated wait time was 2-3 months.  We've known all along that it's only an estimation and may not be our reality, but I've been praying desperately to receive that little piece of paper in April.  That tiny, yet oh-so-important piece of paper ensures we should always be able to enter the U.S.A. as a family.  Because, let's be real, simply existing as a Christian foreigner in India can come with complications and uncertainty.

It's now April 21st, and I'm still praying that it comes this month.  Sometimes that prayer is laced with hope and optimism, and other times it feels forced and it's not very faith-filled.

I love India, and I really like not permanently living out of a suitcase (Liban feels otherwise and is on a mission to find a job where he can alternate his time between having a career and traveling/eating in SE Asia).  But more importantly than that, I really really want to be a mom.  (Via adoption, in case you have never met me and need clarification.)

Pics by Kim at Mela Photography

Ten days ago, I turned 26, and while I know this isn't "old," it feels that way when I want to be a mom so badly.  I was a foster mom at 22, and I've talked constantly about having kids ever since.  I work with kids, I love spending time with my nieces and nephews (unless I've spent all my energy on kids at work), and I spent most of our time in Korea staring at cute babies on subways.  Turning 25 last year was "the" birthday for me, since it meant I was legally old enough to apply for adoption from India.  Having our second anniversary in October was the last factor on our eligibility checklist.  

Pics by Kim at Mela Photography

I know His timing is best, but it can be difficult to not think of the present waiting as "lost" time.
We have a beautiful, perfect daughter, somewhere in India right now.  Maybe she's in-utero or maybe she's lying in a crib or maybe she's being loved on by a foster mama.  We don't know who she is yet, or how many fingers or toes she'll have, or what shade of brown she will be during summers--but I long for her.  I don't know if she'll come with a sibling or an attitude already intact, but I know I'm ready to love her and learn what makes her unique.  I have an Amazon wishlist full of children's books, and there's an elephant hooded child's towel in my suitcase, just for her.

My heart occasionally grieves for the other little girl I've loved as my own but cannot officially call my own.  But much healing has happened as I've accepted God's plan for her, and I'm ready to have another little one as mine, for forever this time.  So we continue to wait for that little paper, so we can move forward in pursuing her.