Tonight, I write this post on my daughter's bed (she has a mattress, I have a vinyl cot--one is more comfortable than the other and so she gets to have a sleepover on the couch with her sister.) I lie here stifling my vomit, praying my fever will break for more than an hour or two at a time, wishing for energy, and simply not wanting to write this post. I wasn't going to write this post, at least not until awhile after I left, but what's the point in waiting?
I am leaving.
I'm ashamed, I'm disappointed, I hate it. I am letting my children down, I am letting the other volunteers and the organization down. I am abandoning my beautiful children who have had a history of abandonment, without giving them time to process my leaving, or love to see them through that process. I will not be here to introduce them to Carrie, their new foster mama, and help them rely on her and love her as much and more than me. My decision is selfish. I am not completing what I started out to do. I am a quitter. Logically, practically, and pridefully, my mind repeats those things over and over. Satan whispers them in my ear and tries to make me doubt my decision, become disgusted with myself, and believe that I am a failure.
Because I'm leaving. Early.
I planned to leave Ongole June 23rd, late at night, and spend a day in Hyderabad with my baby and the love of my life, before flying to Delhi on the 25th. But I can't make it that long, and will instead leave this week.
Since February, things have happened that I haven't written about. I've had frequent periods of emotional lows, of pure exhaustion, of frustration and helplessness with certain circumstances. It's taken a toll on me mentally and physically, but God and Liban have seen me through, have pushed me and enabled me to persevere when I was way past my breaking point. I had great plans to finish, and finish well.
Since March, my body has been on a roller coaster of health. That's not necessarily abnormal for a foreigner living in a little tiny room without air conditioning in 105-115*F weather. From food poisoning to worms, fevers and vomiting, pinched nerves and Lord knows what you've never seen come from your other end in America, my body has seen it all.
But, after 3 consecutive days of relentless fever and stomach issues, Friday was a total game changer--I'll refrain from specifics and just say that my body hit an all time low. I went to the hospital Saturday for my first time, and after convincing the gastroenterologist it HAD to be more than food poisoning, the doctor looked at my lab results and said, "Oh....yes, you most definitely, absolutely have an infection." Gee, thanks, doc. (At least the entire visit was only about $10).
I'm on antibiotics now, and I'm feeling better in some ways, but have had no energy to be with my girls. If I get a burst, I spend about 10-20 minutes with them and then fight the nauseous feelings off until I can at least get back in my room and latch the door. It's just not good.
And so I've decided to leave early. This coming weekend I will kiss my girls goodbye, let the tears flow, and take my bags from Ongole. A week from today, I'll arrive in Delhi, and will stay in Liban's home in full recovery mode of sleeping about 16 hours a day and only waking up to eat something that will be kind to my stomach. I'll go to the doctor and see if something greater is going on in my system, I'll spend time with friends once I have energy, and I'll wait for Liban to get to India on the 14th. I'm basically going to spend as much time as needed looking like a sleepy, dreary basset hound until I can get back to normal, without having children and staff relying on me--and me not meeting any of those expectations.
As I mentioned in the beginning, I have the thoughts that tell me how selfish of a decision this is, how much of a failure I am, how weak I am to not be able to finish my time out here as planned. Wimp, my mind tries to say. But when I shove aside those thoughts from the logical side of my brain, I have peace about this. A peace that doesn't make sense, a peace that can only be from God, a peace that lets me know this is His will, this is what I need to do. I need to take care of myself. And I'm so blessed to have a man in my life who supports me in this. Liban has verbalized his support all along, but the look of ultimate relief on his face when I told him of my decision was confirmation that this is what I need to do.
So, this is the end. My time at SCH ends this week, and it's going to break my heart to leave the girls who are so dependent on me. From Leah, my newbie, who can verbally communicate only with me to my littlest, Chelsea, who crawls in my bed to lie on my stomach every morning at 5.
Sometime within the next week, I will kiss half of my heart farewell. I will tell her I love her, and that she is the most beautiful little girl in the world. I will tell her I'll be back to visit, and hopefully to take her away someday. That she has the most amazing gifts, that she needs to fall in love with her Daddy, that her Daddy has never abandoned her, and even though I'm going elsewhere, that I will never, ever give up on her. I will ask with a stream of tears that she not forget me, not forget how much we love one another right now. I will pray over her and look into those deep brown eyes for what could be the last time on this earth, and I will hold her tight against my chest, and at some point, force myself to give her one last kiss and walk away.
I will keep my facebook page public for a little longer, so you can continue praying for me and will be able to check on how I'm doing, but that moment right there is why this will be my last post on this blog, for the time being. It will be an intimate moment that will tear me apart, and from that moment on, I wish for my innermost thoughts to be spoken solely to the love of my life and my family.
Thank you to all of you who have followed my blog throughout the past two years. Thank you for your encouragement, for your prayers, for your gifts and generosity. I never would have expected I'd have as many readers as I currently do--the blog was initially intended for my mom, sister, and grandparents to keep up with me. But seeing the number of views on my page continuously increase has let me know that there are really more people who care about me and my girls than I ever knew. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for all of your support.
-Love & Goodbye, Marla
I am leaving.
I'm ashamed, I'm disappointed, I hate it. I am letting my children down, I am letting the other volunteers and the organization down. I am abandoning my beautiful children who have had a history of abandonment, without giving them time to process my leaving, or love to see them through that process. I will not be here to introduce them to Carrie, their new foster mama, and help them rely on her and love her as much and more than me. My decision is selfish. I am not completing what I started out to do. I am a quitter. Logically, practically, and pridefully, my mind repeats those things over and over. Satan whispers them in my ear and tries to make me doubt my decision, become disgusted with myself, and believe that I am a failure.
Because I'm leaving. Early.
I planned to leave Ongole June 23rd, late at night, and spend a day in Hyderabad with my baby and the love of my life, before flying to Delhi on the 25th. But I can't make it that long, and will instead leave this week.
Since February, things have happened that I haven't written about. I've had frequent periods of emotional lows, of pure exhaustion, of frustration and helplessness with certain circumstances. It's taken a toll on me mentally and physically, but God and Liban have seen me through, have pushed me and enabled me to persevere when I was way past my breaking point. I had great plans to finish, and finish well.
Since March, my body has been on a roller coaster of health. That's not necessarily abnormal for a foreigner living in a little tiny room without air conditioning in 105-115*F weather. From food poisoning to worms, fevers and vomiting, pinched nerves and Lord knows what you've never seen come from your other end in America, my body has seen it all.
But, after 3 consecutive days of relentless fever and stomach issues, Friday was a total game changer--I'll refrain from specifics and just say that my body hit an all time low. I went to the hospital Saturday for my first time, and after convincing the gastroenterologist it HAD to be more than food poisoning, the doctor looked at my lab results and said, "Oh....yes, you most definitely, absolutely have an infection." Gee, thanks, doc. (At least the entire visit was only about $10).
I'm on antibiotics now, and I'm feeling better in some ways, but have had no energy to be with my girls. If I get a burst, I spend about 10-20 minutes with them and then fight the nauseous feelings off until I can at least get back in my room and latch the door. It's just not good.
And so I've decided to leave early. This coming weekend I will kiss my girls goodbye, let the tears flow, and take my bags from Ongole. A week from today, I'll arrive in Delhi, and will stay in Liban's home in full recovery mode of sleeping about 16 hours a day and only waking up to eat something that will be kind to my stomach. I'll go to the doctor and see if something greater is going on in my system, I'll spend time with friends once I have energy, and I'll wait for Liban to get to India on the 14th. I'm basically going to spend as much time as needed looking like a sleepy, dreary basset hound until I can get back to normal, without having children and staff relying on me--and me not meeting any of those expectations.
As I mentioned in the beginning, I have the thoughts that tell me how selfish of a decision this is, how much of a failure I am, how weak I am to not be able to finish my time out here as planned. Wimp, my mind tries to say. But when I shove aside those thoughts from the logical side of my brain, I have peace about this. A peace that doesn't make sense, a peace that can only be from God, a peace that lets me know this is His will, this is what I need to do. I need to take care of myself. And I'm so blessed to have a man in my life who supports me in this. Liban has verbalized his support all along, but the look of ultimate relief on his face when I told him of my decision was confirmation that this is what I need to do.
So, this is the end. My time at SCH ends this week, and it's going to break my heart to leave the girls who are so dependent on me. From Leah, my newbie, who can verbally communicate only with me to my littlest, Chelsea, who crawls in my bed to lie on my stomach every morning at 5.
My final request is that you pray--not for my health--but for my baby girl, Angel.
I came back from a weekend in Chennai last week to find her sleeping on the marble floor under my cot, waiting for me to come back home.
She's started waking up in the middle of the night to crawl into my bed at 2 or 3 a.m., just to be near me, and my leaving is going to be hard on her.
This is my baby girl.
I fell in love with the little round-faced, bratty, ornery 2 year old in May 2012, and over the past year together, our love for each other has grown so much.
She's now four and has gotten so tall, she's lost her baby look and has skinny, long little legs and the cutest dark brown bum.
Her black curls and dark eyes are magnificent, and she really, truly loves her Marla Mummy.
Pray that she'll not ache too much, pray that she'll bond well with Carrie.
Pray that she'll join a forever family soon--whether that's Liban and me or someone else.
Pray that she be loved, that she love in return, and that she will know the love of her Father.
Pray that she will keep that infectious smile and laugh and use it to bless all those around her--pray that that smile and laugh won't fade in the coming days after I leave.
Sometime within the next week, I will kiss half of my heart farewell. I will tell her I love her, and that she is the most beautiful little girl in the world. I will tell her I'll be back to visit, and hopefully to take her away someday. That she has the most amazing gifts, that she needs to fall in love with her Daddy, that her Daddy has never abandoned her, and even though I'm going elsewhere, that I will never, ever give up on her. I will ask with a stream of tears that she not forget me, not forget how much we love one another right now. I will pray over her and look into those deep brown eyes for what could be the last time on this earth, and I will hold her tight against my chest, and at some point, force myself to give her one last kiss and walk away.
I will keep my facebook page public for a little longer, so you can continue praying for me and will be able to check on how I'm doing, but that moment right there is why this will be my last post on this blog, for the time being. It will be an intimate moment that will tear me apart, and from that moment on, I wish for my innermost thoughts to be spoken solely to the love of my life and my family.
Thank you to all of you who have followed my blog throughout the past two years. Thank you for your encouragement, for your prayers, for your gifts and generosity. I never would have expected I'd have as many readers as I currently do--the blog was initially intended for my mom, sister, and grandparents to keep up with me. But seeing the number of views on my page continuously increase has let me know that there are really more people who care about me and my girls than I ever knew. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for all of your support.
-Love & Goodbye, Marla
