Our Time with Angel

I've been delaying writing this blog because I needed to process my emotions.  See, on Tuesday, Liban and I flew to Hyderabad for the afternoon/evening.  We met some friends from MSU shortly after we arrived, and Liban had a meeting with a potential MSU student right before we left.  In between, we went to visit Angel at the orphanage.

I was so, so, so crazily nervous and excited to meet her.  The day before, we had gone to the mall and picked up a playdough set and a Barbie coloring book.  I knew she wouldn’t remember me, and I wanted her to at least not be bored while this weird American lady stared at her with adoring eyes.  On the drive to the orphanage, my heart was racing with a mixture of anticipation as well as fear that we wouldn’t actually get to see her.

We waited to meet her in the office building for almost an hour before she and her nurse walked in.  I could tell she was just happily going along with her caregiver and that she really didn’t know why she was there.  Instantly, I knew that I am now a stranger to her, and that her memories of me are all but gone.  That. . . . I expected that, but I don’t know that a mama can ever be truly prepared for that.

But at least I was prepared with gifts.  We sat on the floor together and opened up the playdough set, where I showed her how to press the dough into the doll’s hair to make it grow and pressed on the dress.  Because this was the Indian version and not Playdoh, it didn’t really work as well; furthermore, it was just the two of us on the floor playing, and not with her sisters and friends, so she was quickly ready to be done.  “Go?” she’d ask, as she wanted to make sure the gifts were hers and were actually going home with her. Eventually, we put the playdough up and started coloring.  OT-Me admired that her beautiful grasp on the pencil and ability to stay inside the lines are 100% age appropriate and not delayed. She pointed to the picture of the dog and cat and identified them in both English and Telugu.  At the end, I wrote her name at the top of the page and she clumsily wrote “Aa” and then a whole bunch of other random letters.   

By this point, she was absolutely ready to go, so we packed up her gifts, took some “family” photos with Liban, and then I asked her “before go, pray?” I told Liban he’d have to pray over her (because I lose it in tears every single time I pray out loud for this sweet little girl), but then instead she started reciting some Telugu prayer she’s learned from her wonderful nurse Padma.  Liban only caught the end of it on video, but her sweet little chatter to God--precious.

Then I kissed her goodbye after giving lots of hugs, and she repeated back “I love you!” I know it was only repetition, but I’m extremely grateful she’s had other volunteers and staff loving on her and telling her this phrase since I’ve left.

Now, Angel is the only one of “my girls” that I was able to see on this visit.  Knowing they were all within the same neighborhood but not being able to see them and remind them how much I miss and love them hurts. Hopefully, the nurse passed on my hello and love to them.  

When Angel walked away from me on Tuesday, she stayed close to her nurse. She looked to her when she was excited and happy: she has attached to her caregiver.  That caregiver is no longer me, and that’s a little painful, but I thank God that she is able to bond with others, and I pray that the transition to her forever family someday is sweet and smooth and soon.

*If you’d like to see photos and videos of my sweet not-so-little girl, please click here and enter the password (her online name with a capital letter at the beginning):