It's not even April Yet.

Some days it seems the time is going by too fast, and other times, like today, the time seems to never move. 

Being a mom is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do since it is a day-in, day-out job. And suddenly all those “encourage the stay at home mom” blogs seem all too fitting instead of stupid. 

The past two days I was mostly stuck in my room because standing up for more than 30 seconds or two minutes at a time would lead to dizziness and vision that begins to have all those little black dots.  I was usually fine when I was sitting, and would have just played with my girls from a seated position—except that that would mean 3 people climbing on me and probably knocking me over when the dizziness hit.

So, instead I mostly stayed in my room. My internet was deathly slow, but working from noon to eleven p.m. allowed me to still get some things done.  Usually after two days of feeling unwell, I am so excited to get back out of my room, play with my kids, love them, and be loved in return.

Except this time is a little different.  This time, I just feel worn down.

The trip to Hyderabad was only 5 days ago, my trip to Delhi & Chennai were only 2 weeks ago, it shouldn’t be this way.

But it is.

Suddenly, 21 kids really seems like too much.  Suddenly, being woken up every single morning between 5:30 and 6:30 by a child yelling “GOOD MORNING” five inches from my face produces no smile and only immediate groans and grouchiness. Suddenly, having a child loathe me and spend all her time glaring at me or shooting sharp words in Telugu in my direction is eating at me. Suddenly the tattling is crazily annoying. Suddenly my sarcasm is harsher, my patience nearly diminished, and my tolerance for repeated disobedience completely gone. 

Haley, who was the first foster mom for 12 of my girls, is visiting.  She helps, with both disciplining and entertaining:  the kids are getting so much more love and attention, and she’s wonderful both as a friend and as a role model figure to them. But I’m kind of jealous.  I am still the parent, and she gets to be the fun aunt.  And that’s good, and I don’t begrudge her of that because I will LOVE being in that role when it’s my turn to visit Ongole.  But, still, I’m kind of jealous it’s not me.

I love being the mom, I really do. But I forgot how much I miss being the “aunt” figure, like I was from August through the beginning of December with these girls.  I miss having energy and creativity to just pour out on my kids. I miss being able to decide to just not go to Grace Home if I desired to play with the babies or do more therapy or help another mom out in the evenings. I miss having bright inexplicable hope for both the futures of my kids and the organization. I miss being able to spend more time with the kids individually. 

Life got real. It’s not bad, it’s not hopeless, it’s just real, and the honeymoon phase is most definitely over.  I know I still love doing this.  After all, it was only two weeks ago I was sobbing in my guy’s arms, trying to figure out how in the world I will manage moving back to America, back to “first world problems,” back to a house where silence exists, to a job that doesn’t impact people’s lives this much, and most of all, away from my girls. So, I know I love doing this, but sometimes it’s hard to remember.

I’ve used this blog to ask a lot lately, and I’m going to ask again.  Would you please pray for me? For me spiritually, for me as a mom and discipliner, for me as a teacher and mentor, to be filled with passion, energy, and excitement again?  I would like to say this is a one-time prayer need, but it’s not. So, would you please make a note on your computer or phone or fridge and pray this pray for me daily? Please.  

Because

It’s not even April yet.

And lastly, would you please consider helping financially?  My family needs $535 to finish furnishing our apartments—things were more expensive than I was expecting, so this is for the actual furniture, not for all those extra things I had mentioned excess money would be going towards.  The Passion weekend trip cost a total of $342 for my girls and one staff member to go, and is still left unsponsored.  Would you, your small group, or your church consider helping sponsor that time of worship?  

All tax-deductible donations may be given at http://tinyurl.com/MarlasDaughters