You know, after I wrote the title, I don’t know what all 12
steps are. But I know the first one, and
that’s all that matters really.
I need help. I need
prayers, the best kind of spiritual help.
Before I begin explaining why, I’m going to forewarn you
that I’m going to lay it out plainly. And my sarcastic nature is not saying
that things will be said lightly—it’s just my way of writing. (Pre-publishing
edit: actually, it turns out the sarcasm
was at a minimum, but I did write metaphorically for what may be the first time
ever). It’s not going to be easy to write all this, but sometimes knowing
specifics on what to pray helps the pray-ers.
I’ve had acquaintances and friends comment and praise me on
what I’m doing: “leaving it all behind”
to come to India and give my year (or more?) and love to orphans with
disabilities. I’ve had people compare me
to Katie Davis from Kisses from Katie,
and while I’m honored that you even say my name in the same sentence as her, I internally
laugh and roll my eyes. You see, I am
not anywhere near her caliber in faith.
You see, coming wasn’t a challenge. Yeah, maybe making a salary back home would
be nice, but India is the place I feel most at home. I love my new country, my new culture, my new
people. Yes, coming meant leaving things and people in America, but when you
feel led to go and be somewhere, you just do it. My “gut” (i.e. Holy Spirit) made
it pretty clear this was what I was to do.
And, as for Katie
Davis, my faith is weak and nowhere in comparison to hers. I’m not idolizing her and saying she’s
perfect, but I’m saying my relationship with God is severely lacking, and has
been off and on for way too long.
Which is where you—my people back home, my friends in Korea
and other countries, my friends here in India—come in.
“My name is Marla Rose, I am spiritually weak, I have been
for awhile, and I need help.”
I need prayers, and I need it to be known where I’ve been,
so that I am accountable, but also so that you can see how God has worked to
bring me to this point. So, here’s my
story:
I was in an on-again/off-again, unofficial-but-emotionally-official
relationship for over two years. And
yes, I’m aware that most of you did not know that. Which was on purpose. Because 1) the guy was Indian, and fairly
traditionally Indian at that. Traditionally, Indians don’t really date (publicly),
so it had to be “on the DL” primarily for his family’s sake. And 2) Because he is Hindu, and, well, let’s
just say I knew better; I knew my friends mostly didn’t approve, I knew my
family didn’t approve, I knew God (rightfully) wanted more of me for Him, etc.
But I loved this man and desperately wanted to spend the rest of our lives
together—all-inclusive of culturally confused trilingual children, so pursued
the relationship anyways.
He will read this post, and it hurts me in that I know it
will not be a “happy walk down memory lane” for him. But he knows that my faith and belief in God’s
will is why we are not together. It’s
not a new conversation topic between us, which is why I have decided to write about
it here.
You know that Jonah feeling, where your gut tells you one
thing, but you—for whatever reason—decide to sail the other direction? Bingo.
That was me for two years. God would keep
sending waves in the forms of conversations with friends, loving words of wisdom,
irate discussions with my family, and scriptural convictions that would toss me
overboard, giving me opportunities to swim back towards Him. Sometimes, I’d immediately turn a cold
shoulder and climb up the ladder back into the boat to continue my planned journey. Other times, I’d repent and swim back towards
the shore. I’d hang out on that shore sometimes
only for a day, sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months. My time with the Lord in these times would be
wonderful, and peace-invoking, tear-filled, and good. But then I’d listen to my heart, which loved
one more than the One, and I’d return to the sea and my little sailboat, which
I believed (or moreso, hoped and wanted to believe) could withstand anything.
When you’re on that sailboat, it’s pretty hard to keep your relationship
with God strong. If you stay on that
sailboat long enough, you learn which waves are most likely to rock your boat,
and you learn how to navigate through them. . . . unfortunately. You learn how
to brace yourself so that the waves which once made you turn green and require
a set of floaties no longer affect your balance at all.
God finally got tired of sending those waves that I’d
ignore, and so He sent me a doozy of a wave, and a whale: He sent me to India. If you are reading this and you don’t believe
in Christ, you probably won’t understand this as you are thinking: Marla has always had a heart for orphans,
and she’s been in love with India. So why wouldn’t she have come right now? Well, I can list a hundred reasons why “now”
is completely impractical. Consequently, I really believe that I would not be
here, at this particular time, had that relationship not needed to be cut out
of my life. My ladka and I mutually and
tearfully and sorrowfully made the decision to truly end things this spring
once I decided I was come to India NOW,
and God blessed us with a 12.5 hour time difference to make that a tad bit
easier.
The first month I was gone, I read Kisses from Katie, and it was quite good. But guess what part
really hit me? Not the discussion of deaths of loved ones or the poverty she
encountered. Not the description of Mommyhood
to a thousand kids at age 19. No, but I do
admit to bawling through 90% of the chapter where she discusses ending her
relationship to be overseas with her children, to follow God’s will. Different
circumstances, different ways on how it came about, but still—it struck close
to home.
So in short, I am 4 months beyond that ugly month of crying
myself to sleep, and I feel as though my
heart has healed—so much. And more quickly than I’d ever had
expected. Praise God for that. And he is doing well, too, which I am even
more grateful for. I am grateful for
those of you who were aware of our story, who did pray all along (even if it
was praying that the waves would capsize our boat), and who continue to pray
and love us both unconditionally.
But I'm asking for some additional prayers right now. I am not the type to express such personal
needs to more than a close few, much less on a blog for any and all to see, but
I know I am in need right now, so here I am:
It’s now been over five months of being off that sailboat, but I still
haven’t quite made it to shore. I want
to make it to shore. I want the desire
for daily communication and closeness to my Lord, but I just don’t have it
right now. Some days I am almost near enough that my feet graze the sandy ocean
bottoms, but then something within me decides to tread water instead of take
the steps toward land. I know what to
do, but allow myself to get stuck there.
I want to want it. I want to need
it.
I know my blog has been filled with requests lately:
requests for a toy drive, request for wheelchair funds, etc. But today, tomorrow, this week, will you
please pray that I will be filled with a desire like no other to spend time
with my Lord? That I will abide in Him and His beauty and His glory and His
grace? That I will get to know Him personally,
more and more with each day? That I will turn my focus from serving his little
ones to serving and glorifying and worshiping Him?
Thanks.
Okay, I feel as though I should have a conclusion here—like
something to tell my grandma, “oh, by the way, so I dropped this ‘I was an
emotional wreck’ bomb down on you—but now I’m actually doing okay in that
sense, so don’t worry” kind of thing.
So, for those people who need that clarification, I really am okay. That said, I am not in the “waiting for the
right guy” stage—I’m just in the “I’m living my life, and based on my situation
(small city, few English speakers, low Christian population, having 8 children),
if I ever marry, we all know it will be a miracle fashioned by God himself”
stage. :) And I gotta say, I'm pretty darn happy with that!
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