My heart, Open for all to See.

My heart has been through a lot this past year, and I know God planned this trip as a time to get away from America, my packed schedule, and everything else that was in my way of seeing Him. I knew that even when a relationship, that I thought and hoped would last forever, ended.  I knew it, just like I knew He is still King, but I was basically in “survival mode” to get through school and fulfill my duties at work, and my faith and hope had dried up.

I feel like over the past few months I’ve just been lying in the dirt, face-down, and too weak to even call out for help to the One who I know will pull me up.  I see the beggars on the street and envy their ability to ask for help, as my heart’s just been paralyzed and buried beneath the rubble.

The ayahs and children don’t wake up until 9:30, and they don’t let me leave the house (unless I sneak out to go get mangoes or internet) until 10:30 after I have chai.  God has used these things to make me take the time to think and reflect on everything that’s going on in my heart.

My hope’s coming back.  Not in anything specific, but in being able to see that God does have good in the future.  I’m struggling to believe that it’s the best, but at least I can see that it is good right now.  Maybe that doesn’t mean anything to most of you, but to the few who know my internal paralysis, you know it is a big step.

I sit here on my bed, holding a sleeping Baby C. as there somehow are 12 kids in our apartment tonight, with only 2 ayahs and me.  This girl is so beautiful, and her story, too.  Someone abandoned her, and she was born with a cleft palate, but that hasn’t limited God’s beautiful plan for this baby girl.  The director has me working on some adoption paperwork so that other children, like Baby C., might meet forever families soon.  Baby C. already has a family in love with her, trying to get the government and placing agency aligned so they can give her all their love for all her life.

I’m not Baby C., but I guess God doesn’t love me any less. I guess He has something planned for me, too, even though my sight is about .00001/200.

It’s hard being here, with all the time to think. 

It’s hard to read Psalms aloud and not skip the lines about trusting God. 

It’s hard to think that His plan and what’s best may be for me to come to a place like this alone, for the long run.  I’d read several books by single, American/British women who have lived here, preparing myself…I thought.  It’s a lot harder to BE here and realize that God just might have this in store.  I don’t hate the idea, and I see the benefits in it, but, honestly, it’s terrifying. Yet I have to trust in God that He will provide.  Please pray for that, because it’s in the way of whatever’s next. 

I promise next time, I’ll give an update on the kids and their progress, but I feel like I owe some of you this explanation of what’s really going on. Thank you for all the prayers and for the patience in letting me get to this point in my own time.